Wases and Could Have Beens
by Sweet16AndNeverBeenKissed
Summary: A "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol song fic.


**A/N: **I have been informed that song lyrics are not permitted in fics posted on this site as part of some copyright guideline. As a result, I will be removing the lyrics. Just know that each intervale of unbolded and then bolded text is in relation to a different verse; so the first verse and then the second, moving then to the third and so on. The chorus is addressed at the very end and at no other point. Enjoy and please be kind enough to leave a review, if you would.

** Disclaimer: **I own nothing having to do with the BBC nor the _Sherlock_ series.

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Once, I thought we could do anything, Sherlock. I thought that you and I, as a team, could. And we could have. I know we could have.

**Mycroft liked us together, even if he never said so. With everyone else it was obvious. He was the only one that acted any differently. Even Molly seemed to like us as a pair, even though she only ever had eyes for you.**

I wish you could come back. Even just for a day. Ella wants me to tell her what I would say to you if you were here. The thing of it is, I don't know what I would say. How do you explain to someone that they are truly what saved you? How do you explain that to a person who you're certain already knew it?

**I do love you. You knew I did. I know I do. Everyone else could and can just stuff it.**

Dad would have hated it, the fact that everyone thought we were shagging. It's a good thing Harry and I stopped talking to him after Mum died. He never accepted Harry. I doubt he would have been any different to me, even though nothing ever went on and…it really was only you for me.

**If you knew how often I think about you, about what could have been, you'd cringe. You'd tell me that I was throwing away valuable brainpower on impossibilities. Sometime, when I need a break from it, I pretend that you have told me that. The thoughts usually stop for a bit.**

Now that I'm just working at the clinic, the limp has come back. It was there when I stepped out of the taxi in front of 221 Baker Street with Mrs Hudson after we had visited your grave for the first—and last—time. I can't bring myself to hobble back there and disappoint a you that can't see me.

**I saw so much more with you. I saw the world in a whole new way. I won't pretend I saw anything close to what you did, but I certainly saw more than I ever expected to. And I learned so much; mostly things about myself. I wish I could thank you for that. For all of it. You'd probably make some horrid comment about sentiment and send me to the morgue for a jar of fingers.**

I ask myself all the time why you never said anything. You must have known. I can't think how you couldn't've. I couldn't've hidden it. I thought you were going to, a few times. There were just a few times when you'd gave me that look. That "I can see right through you…and I like it" look. You'd open your mouth and say something completely unrelated. You'd ask for a pen, I'd blink and the expression would be gone.

**I can't help but hope, now, that there is a God. And that he's as forgiven as they say. He'd need all the patience and forgiveness there was to deal with you. I hope that there is a God because, if there is, someday, in the future, when I'm old and weathered, I might get to meet you again.**

I told Mrs Hudson that I wasn't ready to come back here. What I didn't know then was that I wouldn't be able to stay away. This is all I have left of you. All that's physical, anyway. Curled up in your sheets, inhaling the barely lingering scent of you, I can imagine even more clearly what it would have been like, had we taken the leap. You would have ignored me for cases. You would have sought me out, wanted me, when you were bored. I would have hated it and been unable to live without it.

There are things I can't imagine, though. You would have been able to tell them about anyone, but I was and still am unable to deduce them about you. Would you have been a cuddler? Would you have enjoyed kissing? Would you have been silent in orgasm? In my mind, all of those things are true. I wish I could know for certain, but it's too late for that.


End file.
